Important Dates

I have a son who turns 30 on July 29th.   Lots of people have 30 year old children (and maybe some of them have their birthdays on July 29th).   The fact in and of itself is not all that important and certainly not unique.  

I happen to be one of those moms who won't be able to celebrate with her 30 year old son.   My son is not in my life.  As a matter of fact I have no idea where he is or how he is doing.  This too is not unique, there are thousands of parents who don't have their children in their lives for various reasons.  

My role in my child's life lasted a little over 9 months.  I'm a birth mom - I carried him for the very first part of his fragile life - spent 3 days in the hospital with him and then released him into the arms of adoptive parents.  I don't know what the future holds but to date that was the hardest thing I've ever did.  

He turns 30 this year and my body is really feeling the loss of him.  All of July has been a bit depressing with a very heavy feeling.  I've been trying to honor that I'm still grieving  him and that important dates (like his birthday)  activate memories and sensations that need to be attended.  

All humans struggle with loss, disappointment, sadness - none of what I'm feeling this month is unique but its been heightened by this very important milestone of his 30th birthday.   I've come to peace with the decision I made so many years ago.  But his 30th has unleashed quite a bit of sadness.  

Sadness does not mean I have to fix something - just honor it, allow my body to cry in order to release the stress and recognize that being fully present to my pain today gives me permission to be fully present to all the joy and beauty that life has to offer.  

I invite you to list the important dates and anniversaries that might trigger your body so that you can be aware of them.  Often when we are feeling irritated, antsy, or angry its a sign that our bodies need to grieve some past loss.  And often our bodies are aware of these dates even before our conscious mind.   

30th bday.jpg